There are several major doctrines in the Bible.

• The Doctrine of God’s Word
• The Doctrine of God
• The Doctrine of Christ
• The Doctrine of the Holy Spirit
• The Doctrine of Man
• The Doctrine of Salvation
• The Doctrine of Angels, Satan and Demons
• The Doctrine of the Church
• The Doctrine of Last Things

Those are the major doctrines or subjects in the Bible you will usually find in most theology books. However, I would like to add a few more to the major doctrine category.

• The Doctrine of Evangelism
• The Doctrine of Prayer
• The Doctrine of Stewardship
• The Doctrine of Marriage and Family
• The Doctrine of Spiritual Growth
• The Doctrine of Creation
• The Doctrine of Worship

I consider all of these major doctrines for several reasons: they are subjects that are most emphasized in Scripture; they are doctrines that have been most significant throughout the history of the church and have been important for all Christians at all times; they are subjects that have become important for Christians in the current culture in which we live.

In 1 Timothy 4:16 we are told to “watch [our] life and doctrine closely.” As believers we should know the major doctrines well because what we believe determines how we behave.

I have been doing a form of my closing statement for about fifteen years. It started with an African American pastor I use to watch on TV from time to time. At the end of the broadcast he would look into the camera and say, “Before we go, let us remind you that we live by faith and not by sight.” When he said, “We live by faith and not by sight,” the whole church would say it with him. I liked that affirmation. When I became the pastor of East Sedalia Baptist Church I started ending the service with that simple reminder, “We live by faith and not by sight.”

A couple of years later I heard a Christian singer named Carman singing these words, “This is my Bible. I am what it says I am. I have what it says I have and I will do what it says I will do.” I eventually added the two statements together and as a result I lead the church each Sunday with this declaration, “This is God’s Word. I am what it says I am. I have what it says I have and I can do what it says I can do. The Bible says we live by faith and not by sight.”

Over the years the popularity of Joel Osteen has increased and from time to time I’m asked if I picked up this saying from him because he begins his service with a similar declaration. However, for me it all started about fifteen years ago with an African American pastor and a Christian singer. There’s the story.

Before concluding, I want to answer the question why I have the church repeat this statement each Sunday. There are several reasons.

• When we hold the Bible up it is a physical demonstration of the authority of God’s Word over our lives and that we are not ashamed of God’s Word.
• When we say, “This is God’s Word,” it is a reminder that only the Bible is God’s Word nothing else.
• When we say, “I am what it says I am,” it reminds us no matter what others may say about us God says “I am more than a conquer, I am forgiven, I am a child of God, and I am a part of the royal priesthood” and anything else God may say about me.
• When we say, “I have what it says I have,” it reminds us of the precious and powerful resources we have at our disposal such as prayer, blessings, direction, the presence of the Holy Spirit, spiritual gifts, boldness, and host of other wonderful things.
• When we say, “I can do what it says I can do,” it reminds us that all things are possible with God and there is no mountain to high or valley to low that our God can’t get us through. If God says, “I can” then I can!
• When we say, “We live by faith and not by sight,” it reminds us that to experience who God says I am, what He says I have, and do what He says I can do will require faith.

Every week believers come to worship together. When they arrive they have been beat up by the world and themselves. Many have been told and believed they are not valuable, they will not amount to much, and don’t have much but if they understood who God says they are, what God says they have, and what God says they can do then they will start acting like an overcoming child of God He says they are and start doing the things that accompany an abundant life.

At the beginning of every day hold the Bible and say, “This is God’s Word. I am what it says I am, I have what it says I have, and I can do what it says I can do. I will live by faith and not by sight today!”

7. The mission enhances the church’s effectiveness

Malphurs states, “When the people understand what the church is trying to accomplish, they become more effective in their efforts.” Success always rests to a large extent on raising the question, “What is our business?” followed by a thoughtful and thorough answer. If we took the time to investigate effective, God-honoring churches across North America, large or small, we would discover that each has a significant, well-focused mission. They know what business they are in.

For Southside, I see us in the business of connecting people’s lives with faith in Christ. Knowing this will help me as a pastor and you as a member/attender to evaluate whether we are effective or not. Are we seeing people come to know Christ? Are we seeing believers connect more and more of their life with faith in Christ? Is their faith in Christ effecting their emotions, mind, will, finances, time management, health, marriage, and other relationships?

8. The mission ensures an enduring organization

I agree with Malphurs when he writes, “It is rare that any one pastor lasts the entire time that a spiritually healthy church exists. Pastors come and they go.” Pastors come and go for various reasons: retirement, death, family, health, burn out, or to serve in a new ministry. Whatever reason God uses to move one pastor in and another out should not distract the church from fulfilling its mission. The goal of every ministry leader should be to leave behind a mission that will continue after he is gone.

Sometimes when a church is going through transition to realign itself under God’s mission more effectively, the pastor is often asked, “Will you see it through to the end?” It’s impossible for him to answer that question because the mission is bigger than the pastor or any one person in the church. If the pastor and the church have done their job well there should be little “down time” when the pastor, ministerial staff, or key church leader is called somewhere else.

9. The mission facilitates evaluation

Malphurs writes, “When you know what your mission is, you know how to evaluate your progress.” If your goal as a church is to make disciples and help people connect their everyday life with their faith in Christ then you know what to measure. Malphurs continues by saying, “The church that fails to examine its people and its effectiveness as a ministry in light of its mission does itself an injustice. Otherwise, how will the church know if it’s fulfilling its mission? How will it improve without formal evaluation? What you evaluate not only gets done, but it gets done well.”

Many churches either don’t know how to evaluate or evaluate the wrong things. Often times they only measure the tangibles: attendance, giving, and baptisms. These can give some indication of whether a church is growing, but not if it is vibrant and healthy. A new scorecard for churches includes those items but also include evaluating the intangibles: missionary mentality, vibrant leadership, relational intentionality, prayerful dependence, mission, community and worship.

4. The mission provides a guideline for decision making

It goes without saying that pastors and church leaders have to make decisions every day. It comes with the territory. If the church has a clear mission it helps set boundaries. This means it can guide what the church will and will not attempt. It provides direction for when to say yes and when to say no. Knowing the mission is to the ministry what a compass is to a navigator or a template to a machinist. It provides a framework for critical thinking, a standard or criterion for all decision making.

Throughout the years I have served as a pastor or ministerial staff sincere (and sometimes not so sincere) people have approached me or the church leadership with suggestions for new ideas that could potentially lead the church away from its divine mission. Their idea may have been a good idea, but it would not have helped us fulfill our mission as a church. When the leadership and the church is clear about the mission it’s easier to identify what to commit to and what not to commit to as a church.

5. The mission inspires church unity

Malphurs reminds us that Scripture is clear about the importance of unity among Christians. In John 17:20-23 the Savior prays for you and me and all who believe in Christ to be one. The result of this unity is that the world we seek to reach will believe that the Father has truly sent the Son. Paul stresses the importance of Christian unity in the local church. In Ephesians 4:3 he urges the church to “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

One of the benefits of having a clear mission is it communicates a unifying theme to all the members and draws them together as a team or community. It says, “Here is where we are going. Let’s pull together and with God’s help make it happen.” It serves to get everyone on the same page. At the same time it encourages those with a different intent or agenda to look elsewhere. Just think of what a group of believers could accomplish if everyone agreed with what the church was trying to do!

6. The mission shapes the strategy

Malphurs states, “A dynamic mission tells the church where it is going. It is the strategy, however, that gets it there. Though the two are mutually dependent, the mission leads and shapes the church’s strategy. The mission tells what, and the strategy tells how.”

If a church’s mission is to reach the unchurched (the what), then how they do Sunday School, small groups, youth ministry, children’s ministry, and other programs will be shaped by the mission of reaching the unchurched. The mission shapes the strategy. I agree with Malphurs who writes, “What amazes me is that so many churches today have a strategy, as expressed in their programs, but they have no mission.” Their busy doing a lot of things, but headed nowhere together. A strategy without a mission is like a ship without any direction.

1.      The mission dictates the church’s direction

I like what Yogi Berra, the former New York Yankee catcher, once said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you might end up somewhere else.” Every church must have direction, and knowing the mission gives it that direction. It provides a target to aim for, a port to land at, a sense of direction and it serves to focus the congregation’s energy.

Many churches often seem to be adrift. They may be busy, but there seems to be no real direction the group is headed toward. People go to Sunday School, church service, committee meetings, choir practice, Bible study, evening worship, and other activities one after another. Where is all this activity taking them? Do all these activities aim at the same target and move people forward in their spiritual journey with Christ? A clear mission helps provide that direction.

2.      The mission formulates the church’s function

Malphurs writes, “You will never do ministry that matters until you define what matters.” Having a clear mission helps answer some strategic and functional questions: What are we supposed to be doing? What function does the organization exist to perform? What is the primary or main thing that God has called us to accomplish? What are we attempting to do for God and our people? In other words, the mission is an expression of strategic intent.

It is important for a church to define what matters. Once it does, then it can decide how it will function. If it’s mission is to be a well run organization with everyone knowing and voting on issues then it may decide that what really matters is Business Meetings, Church Council meetings, By-laws, Policy & Procedures and other administration endeavors. To be sure, those are necessary at times, but is that what really matters? Is being a well run organization the mission of the church?

On the other hand, if the church decides that helping people connect their life with their faith in Christ to where they become followers of Him allowing their mind, will, and emotions to be transformed by the power of Christ, then spending time in God’s Word, serving others, encouraging others, and connecting with others would become a priority in the planning and organization to the church. Sadly, what really matters is often set aside for the lesser.

3.      The mission focuses the church’s future

It helps answer several questions: What do we want to accomplish next year? In five years? In ten years? In twenty-five years? Even though we cannot predict the future (except for Biblical prophecy) we can influence or shape it by the decisions we make today. For example, how many church’s present day ministries are impacted (positively and negatively) through decisions that were made ten or twenty years ago? If a church is clear on their mission, then answering the question, “Where do we want to be in five or ten years?” becomes easier.

A clear mission also helps the church to focus on the future and not live in and focus on the past. Some churches, due to lack of mission, have become wonderful museums of how church was done in a distant culture. I like how Malphurs describe this, “Living in our ministry’s past is like trying to drive a car by looking only through the rearview mirror. We must learn from and periodically celebrate the past but not live there.”

The Bible contains several spiritual laws or principles that deal with your mind. One of those laws is called “The Law of Thought-Direction.” This law says that the way you think determines how you behave. Your mindset will establish the kind of decisions you will make and those decisions will determine the direction of your life. The way you think determines where you go in life and how you behave. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (NIV). In the Old Testament the “heart” includes the mind (the part of you that thinks, believes, and reasons). You are to guard your heart (and mind) because out of it your life springs up. The kind of life you have is determined largely by how you think. The New Century Version paraphrases this verse: “Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life.” How you think directs your life. Your thoughts will direct your decisions. Your thoughts direct what you will do and not do. Your thoughts control your life.

For example, there are those who have a people-pleasing mindset (basing your decisions on others feelings). If you think that pleasing people is more important than obeying the Word, then your decisions will be based on pleasing people and not on pleasing God. Sometimes obeying God’s Word makes those around you unhappy. Doing God’s will is not always popular. When a crisis is reached where the choice is to either make someone happy or to obey the Word, the people-pleaser will disregard God’s Word for the happiness of the other person. You do not want to have a people-pleasing mind-set, you want to have a God-pleasing mind-set. Be very careful what you think, because your thoughts direct your life.

A second mind-set might be called an emotional mindset. An emotional mindset is having your thoughts and mind governed by your feelings. You feel your way through life and problems. Your decisions are based on how you feel or others feel. Your emotions can be very deceptive and misleading. Someone offends you and you are feeling hurt and angry: out of your emotions you say things that don’t glorify God. You might belittle them or use language that’s not appropriate for a Believer. You are basing your decisions on emotions. Your emotions become the driving force behind your thinking which results in a life run by your happiness, discouragement, joy, depression, contentment, anger, worry or fear. The emotion of the moment determines your thoughts and actions. Be careful how you think, because your thoughts direct your life.

Basing your decisions on how you feel or how others feel is not God-honoring and will send your life in a direction you do not want to go. As a child of God you want a Biblical mindset. If you think that obeying God’s Word is more important than how you feel, then your decisions in life will be based on God’s Word not how you feel about it. Instead of being emotionally-driven or people-driven you are Word-driven. If you have a Biblical mindset then your decisions about marriage, money, church, telling the truth, relationships, and doing what’s right will all be governed by God’s Word. That places you under the protection and blessing of God.

Remember, we are talking about the Law of Thought-Direction. Listen to Proverbs 13:16 which says, “Every prudent man acts out of knowledge, but a fool exposes his folly” (NIV). The prudent or practical person acts out of “knowledge”, not emotions or peer pressure. A prudent man is careful about his thoughts, therefore he will make wise decisions. His thoughts determine his actions. If you want to live a wise life then you have to start receiving the right knowledge and the right knowledge is found in God’s Word. A prudent or wise man acts or behaves out of knowledge based on God’s Word.

The Law of Thought-Direction says “the way you think determines how you behave.” Your thoughts direct your life for better or for worse. Your thoughts lead you into activities that will bless you or hurt you. If you don’t like how you react to people or situations; change the way you think. If you don’t like the decisions you have made then change the way you think. If you don’t like the direction your life is going then change the way you think. Your thoughts determine your direction in life.

When it comes to the Lord’s Supper there are several reactions toward it. For some, it is a dreary religious ritual.  The few times I went to church as a child and even after I was saved as a teenager, I considered the Lord’s Supper as an uninspiring church activity. When I walked into the church and saw the Lord’s Supper table set up my first thought was, “Oh no! The church service is going to be longer and I have to sit through this boring activity.” I hope that doesn’t describe you, but if it does, I hope the following truths will help remove the boredom and replace it with enthusiasm along with a deeper understanding of the significance of the Lord’s Supper.

You may not approach the Lord’s Supper with an attitude of dreariness, but with a sense of duty. For this group the Lord’s Supper stirs nothing up inside them. They have participated in the Lord’s Supper so many times it has become routine. They know it has meaning and may even ask for it to be observed more often, but the impact of the Lord’s Supper has disappeared for them. They see the Lord’s Supper as an important religious activity that all good Christians should do. For them, it is nothing more than a religious ritual that should be done.

Another approach deals with doubt. This group knows the Lord’s Supper is suppose to be important and significant, but doesn’t understand it. They have many unanswered questions about the Lord’s Supper that hinders them from fully applying its meaning and purpose. Instead of approaching the Lord’s Supper with faith, they approach it with confusion.

Others approach the Lord’s Supper with delight. This group has studied the Word, they love Jesus, and have a deep appreciation for what He did for them on the cross. For them, the Lord’s Supper is a meaningful worship experience between them and their Lord. They do not approach the Lord’s Supper with dread or out of duty. They approach it with great joy, strong faith, and deep reflection.

In order to grow in delighting in the Lord’s Supper it’s helpful to understand its six primary purposes. Jesus intended these six truths to happen every time His people ate the bread and drank from the cup that represents His sacrificial death on the cross.

You are to look around and restore

When you, as a believer, take the Lord’s Supper you are to look around and restore. The primary teaching in the Bible on the Lord’s Supper is 1 Corinthians 11:23-34. Yet, this section that introduces the Lord’s Supper begins by addressing some divisions in the body of Christ: “In the following directives I have no praise for you, for your meetings do more harm than good. In the first place, I hear that when you come together as a church, there are divisions among you, and to some extent I believe it” (1 Cor. 11:17-18). To help remove some of the division Paul addresses the practice of the Lord’s Supper in verse 23. The reason he does so is because one of the results of the Lord’s Supper is restoration among believers. When the Lord’s Supper is applied correctly, unity and forgiveness will be the outcome. When you meditate on the sacrificial act of Jesus and the forgiveness that was offered through the cross which brought about the reconciliation of man to God your natural response is to seek forgiveness from those you have offended.

As you take the Lord’s Supper you should ask God, “God is there anyone I have hurt, sinned against, and offended that I should ask for their forgiveness?” If there is then you need to make it right as soon as you can. As you think about the death of Christ and the restoration His death brought to you, it should drive you to restore and reconcile with others.

You are to look back and remember

When a believer participates in the Lord’s Supper it should cause them to look back and remember. Two times in 1 Corinthians 11:24-25 you are reminded that Jesus said to “do this in remembrance of me.” The Lord’s Supper is about remembering the Lord Jesus and His death.

To “remember” means much more than simply to bring something to mind or to merely to recall that an event happened. To truly remember is to go back in one’s mind recapture as much of the reality and significance of an event or experience as one possibly can. To remember Jesus Christ and His sacrifice on the cross is to relive with Him His life, agony, suffering, and death as much as is humanly possible.

When Jesus tells you to “do this in remembrance” of Him He is telling you to think about the sacrifice He paid, the pain He went through, and the greatness of His substitution for you on the cross. He wants you to remember this because it reminds you of how much He loves you. He wants you to look back and remember how much He demonstrated His love for you.

You are to look without and reach

When you participate in the Lord’s Supper it should cause you to look without and reach. When correctly applied, the Lord’s Supper should motivate you to reach out and share Christ with others. Notice carefully that God’s Word says, “For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death” (emphasis added, 1 Cor. 11:26). The message of the cross and the Lord’s death is not only for you to remember, but it is for you to proclaim.

When you participate in the Lord’s Supper you are saying you believe Jesus died for your sins, He rose again, and your sins have been paid for by His blood resulting in eternal life through Him. When you take the Lord’s Supper you are making a public statement to those sitting around you that you are a follower of Christ and are not a shamed of the Lord.

The very act of proclaiming His death through the Lord’s Supper should remind you to proclaim Christ in the world. You should think about how important the message of Christ is and how you can share it at school, work, with family and friends. One purpose of the Lord’s Supper is to remind you to share the good news of what Jesus has done for you.

You are to look ahead and rejoice

When the Lord’s Supper is applied correctly it will cause the believer to look ahead and rejoice. The Lord’s Supper brings your attention to the fact that someday Christ will return to for you and other believers. God’s Word says, “For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death, until he comes” (emphasis added, 1 Cor. 11:26). You proclaim the cross of Calvary every time you take the Lord’s Supper, but it is always in the shadow of Christ’s return.

One of the great truths of the Bible is the return of Christ. Someday His glorious appearing will occur: “For the Lord Himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever” (1 Thess. 4:16-17).

The Lord’s Supper is not only about the death of Christ, but the reign of Christ. Jesus died on the cross so that He could resurrect from the grave. He resurrected from the grave so that He could ascend to the Father. He ascended to the Father so that He could come back again for His people. When the Lord’s Supper is applied correctly, you will be more excited about the return of Christ.

You are to look within and repent

Another purpose of the Lord’s Supper is for you to look within and repent. God wants you to use the Lord’s Supper as a time of self examination. God’s Word teaches, “A man ought to examine himself before he eats of the bread and drinks of the cup” (1 Cor. 11:28). Before taking the Lord’s Supper you should spend time evaluating your thoughts, motivations, attitudes, and actions. Some areas of examination can include the following.

• Examine your salvation (2 Cor. 13:5). Have you truly surrendered to Jesus Christ as the master and Lord of your life? If you have not then you need to ask Jesus Christ to be your Lord. Ask Him to forgive you of your sins, to help you repent and to turn to Him for everything in your life.

• Examine your relationships. Evaluate how you treat others (Col. 3:12-13). Are you treating those in your life with kindness, humility, gentleness, respect, and love. How are you treating your parents? How do you treat your kids? How do you treat the people you work with or go to school with?

• Examine your attitude. Does your attitude toward life reflect someone who has been given abundant life? Do you speak words of victory and success or defeat and sarcasm? Do you think with a renewed mind or a worldly mind?

A key component of the Lord’s Supper is a time of reflection and repentance for every believer. During the Lord’s Supper talk to God asking Him what areas in your life need examination and cleansing.

You are to look up and renew

The Lord’s Supper is also a time for Christians to look up and renew. It serves as a reminder you are in a covenant with the Lord. In describing the actions and words of the Lord’s Supper notice what Matthew recorded: “While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples saying, ‘Take and eat; this is my body.’ Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, ‘Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins’” (emphasis added, Matthew 26:26-28). Notice Jesus referred to a “covenant.” A covenant has two sides. One side is forgiveness of sins by the Lord. When a person enters this covenant with the Lord at salvation God guarantees his sins have been removed and forgiven by the shed blood of Jesus on the cross.

The other side of the covenant is obedience. When a person accepts Christ as the Lord of his or her life, they are saying, “I will obey You, Lord. You are my God and I will submit to you gladly.” Part of the Lord’s Supper is to remind you that when you were saved you entered a covenant with God saying you would follow Him and obey Him as an expression of the your love. As person belonging to God, the Lord’s Supper is a time to look up to God in your heart and rededicate yourself to the covenant that was made with Him knowing that He will always keep His end of the covenant. It’s a time to look up and renew.

When you take the Lord’s Supper correctly your experiences should contribute to the unity of the church, an examination of your life, an expectation of the Lord’s return, a motivation to evangelize the lost, a reminder of God’s love through Christ, and a renewal of obedience toward God.

This article is available as a downloadable/printable .pdf file: The Purpose of the Lord’s Supper

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Dr. Jeff Stott

Did you know you were made by God with a purpose in mind? You were created for a unique ministry. You were designed and put together in such a way that you would be the perfect person to minister and bless in that situation, at that time, and in that place. Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” You are God’s workmanship. He created you with a unique personality, a giftedness, and a passion to serve Him in special ways that only you can do.

But how can you know what you have been designed and created to do? God’s Word gives you the direction you need. To help you identify your uniqueness in ministry, it is helpful to use the D.E.S.I.G.N. approach in identifying the different ingredients that, when combined, provide you with information regarding God’s purpose for your life and ministry.

Desire. God has given you a heart and passion for a specific kind of ministry. Philippians 2:13 says, “For it is God who works in you, inspiring both the will and the deed, for His own chosen purpose!” God will inspire you about getting involved in one ministry but not another. This is why one Christian can be excited about hospital visitation but another Christian excited about teaching a Bible class. The question to ask is, “What ministry would I love to do?”

Experiences. God’s Word says, “[God] comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Cor. 1:3-4). What God has allowed you to go through in life is an indication of where He might want you to serve and minister. For example, a man who used to be an alcoholic who is saved and is now free from alcoholism would be a strong candidate to help someone going through the same struggle. The question you ask yourself is, “What has God brought me through that He wants to use in His kingdom work?” God wants to use all your good, bad, and ugly family experiences, educational experiences, ministry experiences, emotional experiences, and relational experiences.

Spiritual gifts. God has given you at least one spiritual gift for ministry (1 Cor. 7:7). So the question you are going to look at is, “What am I gifted to do?” If you have the gift of teaching or mercy or leadership then that is a strong indicator of how God wants to use you.

Individual style. God made you with a unique personality. 1 Corinthians 2:11 says, “No one can really know what anyone else is thinking or what he is really like, except that person himself.” Only you know how you really are. So you need to ask yourself, “Where does my personality best suit me to serve in God’s kingdom?” Your personality will affect your ministry. It makes a difference if you like to talk or not talk, be around people or be by yourself, if you like it loud or quiet, organized or spontaneous, out front or in the shadows. Your personality is how God made you, and He designed you with your personality because of the ministries He has planned for you.

Growth phase. God is growing you into the ministry He has for you. Some ministries call for certain levels of spiritual, emotional, and mental maturity. You may have a passion about leading a ministry, but you are not emotionally or spiritually ready for that particular ministry. Your time will come. Be patient; God has something else for you in the meantime. The question you have to ask yourself is, “What ministry am I ready for?” Throughout God’s Word God identifies those who are spiritual infants and spiritually mature or somewhere in between (1 Cor. 3:1; 1 John 2:12-14). As you grow in the Lord, greater responsibility may be given to you.

Natural abilities. These are also known as vocational skills and natural talents. These are different than spiritual gifts. The Bible says, “There are different abilities to perform service” (1 Cor. 12:6).  Even in the Old Testament we hear God saying, “I have given him skill, ability, and knowledge in all kinds of crafts” (EX. 31:3). An example of an ability or skill would be typing, writing, sign language, mechanical work, carpentry, cooking, computers, and the like. The question you want to answer here is, “What natural or learned skills do I have, and how does God want me to use them in His kingdom work?”

No matter who you are, God has created you for certain ministries. God does not expect you to do every ministry, but you are expected to do what God has designed you to do. Part of loving God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength is to do the good works which God prepared in advance for you to do based on His design for your life.

This article is available as a downloadable/printable .pdf file: My DESIGN for Ministry

To download or print this article, you’ll need to have Adobe Reader on your computer. This is a free program. You can download it at the Adobe Website – just click the button below!

Dr. Jeff Stott

She was sitting in my office crying with her face buried in her hands and he was staring at the floor not knowing what to say. It was their first session of premarital counseling. Denise and John had been referred to me by a couple in the church. When asked if they were Christians, she said “yes,” and he said “no.” I then asked if they were living together, and that’s when she broke down. The Spirit of God had been convicting her for some time about their lifestyle. When I asked about it, the conviction and guilt poured over Denise in a flood of embarrassment and shame. Denise was being convicted about living with her fiancé. At the same time God had been working on John regarding his own personal relationship with the Lord. After some discussion, I asked John if he wanted to receive Jesus Christ as the Lord of his life. He did. I then suggested one of them move out of the house and that they reserve any physical intimacy for the wedding day. They did. From that day on, both Denise and John began to apply what the Bible teaches about marriage. They are now both highly involved servants in the church and a great testimony that God’s way is the best way.

Maybe your marriage didn’t start off like that, but all married couples need to know the foundational principles of a strong and healthy marriage. There are different levels of intimacy in marriage. Some married couples can be described as the romance couple. They love being with each other. They like each other. They are growing, dreaming, and enjoying life together. They are connected, and “oneness” describes their relationship. Others can fall into the category described as the routine couple. There is more fizzle than sizzle. They are stable but no sparks. If you were to ask this couple about their marriage, they would say, “It’s okay, but not great. Things could be worse.”  Still others can be described as the roommate couple. They exist under the same roof but don’t share their life with each other much. They may sleep in the same house, use the same kitchen, go to the same church, raise the same children, watch television together but they don’t share their hearts, dreams, pains or worries with each other. They are becoming more and more like strangers. Lastly is the rigor mortis couple. It’s all over, but the death certificate has not been issued. From a distance they may seem alive, but inwardly their marriage is dead. They may live in the same home, but they are emotionally, mentally, and physically separated. Somewhere along the way they stopped caring, trying, and hoping. Each person has his or her own reason for staying in the marriage, but those on the outside wonder what the motivation is.

No matter where you are in your marriage, you can maintain an energy of excitement in your home or even experience a resurrection of love in your heart for your spouse. I believe if you will commit yourself to apply the following five Biblical principles of marriage to your relationship, you will experience the rewards that only come from a marriage built on God’s Word.

Christ: He must be the Lord over your marriage

The first principle deals with the person of Jesus Christ. He must be the Lord over your marriage and the leader of your home. Notice what God’s Word says to the husband: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25, NIV). The example the husband is to follow in loving his wife is Jesus Christ. Then the wife is told, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior” (Eph. 5:22-23, NIV). The example of how the wife is to relate to her husband is based on her relationship with the Lord. The implication is both of them have an understanding of how Jesus relates to the church and the church to the Lord. The husband understands the love Christ has for the church because he knows and understands that Jesus died on the cross for the church. The wife understands the headship of Christ over the church of which He is the Savior. In order to know and understand that and apply divine principles from Christ’s example, they must know Christ on an intimate level. They must have a relationship with Him.

If you want to have a marriage that God blesses, it starts with your relationship with Jesus Christ: submitting everything you are and everything you have to Him. How do you do that? You admit that you are a sinner. You are not perfect, and you cannot save yourself. You ask Jesus Christ to forgive you for your sins and to help you turn away from your sin. You accept His Lordship and leadership over your life. When that happens, He gives you His Spirit on the inside to help you be the person He created you to be, and as a result, you become more like the spouse God wants you to be. Before God can control your marriage, God must control you. The most important day of your marriage is not the day you said, “I do” to each other, but the day you said, “I do” to Jesus Christ and received Him as your Savior.

No matter who you are or how long you have been married, God should always be first in your life. God doesn’t want your relationship with your spouse to be first. He doesn’t want your relationship with your kids to be first. He wants your relationship with Him to be first. This is the foundational truth that rock solid marriages are built upon. The energy, strength, and joy your marriage needs will come from your life being plugged into the One who can give it. No marriage can reach its fullest potential until both the husband and wife are rightly related to God as well as to each other.

As Christians we are told, “If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another” (1 John 1:7, NIV). What is true generally for the body of Christ is also true specifically for couples. If you are pursuing your relationship with God and want to be a person of God while your spouse is pursuing his or her relationship with God and wants to be a person of God, then you have the spiritual dynamic of divine attraction that no seminar, no book, and no message can accomplish.

I am not saying that if you are a non-Christian couple or if you are a Christian married to a non-believer that you cannot have a good marriage. What I am saying is that a Christ-centered marriage can add a whole new dimension to the relationship. A Christ-less relationship is like a black and white twelve inch television while a Christ-centered relationship is like a color high definition large screen television. Both are receiving a picture, but one is lacking the richness and fullness of a relationship which Christ offers.

Gary Smalley describes this as “The 220 Principle.”[1] This principle refers to allowing Christ, and Christ alone, to charge us spiritually because God designed our internal batteries to be wired to His 220 current, not the 110 current of other people or things. If you were to try to plug a clothes dryer that needs a 220 electrical current into a 110 current, you would not get enough power to get the job done. In order for you and your marriage to work properly, you need to be plugged into God. In Galatians 2:20 (God’s 220 current for life) we find the real source for lasting fulfillment: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me” (NIV). When Jesus Christ is your Lord and He begins to live through you, your marriage is able to receive what He wants it to have.

When we place God first in our lives, happiness is no longer our goal. God is. When He is first, all the things I need and all the things my marriage needs can be met through Him. Matthew 6:33 tells us clearly, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (NIV). When God has first place in your life, your deepest needs will be met. Because God loves you and possesses the wisdom, love, peace, and joy you need, He alone can charge your battery to full.

It is in a relationship with God that you find meaning, purpose, significance, completeness, inner power, peace, joy, and belonging. In short, there is no dream, need, or aspiration that you will ever have that He can’t meet. When you are rightly connected with God, He is able to work in you and through you for the empowering of your marriage. When you are connected to God through Christ, you have everything you need to be the kind of spouse you need to be and to do what you need to do: “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3, NIV).

Commitment: You must dedicate yourself to your spouse

The second key principle deals with commitment. You must dedicate yourself to your spouse. God’s Word says, “Make sure you do not break your promise to be faithful to your mate” (Malachi 2:16, GN). God calls every wife and every husband to faithfulness and commitment to their spouse. However, many people do not understand what commitment is. A simple definition describes commitment as being willing to be unhappy for a while until you can work things out. Every marriage will have difficult days: days of disagreement, days of misunderstandings, days of miscommunication, days of selfishness, and days of pain. It is during those days, you need commitment. There will be times when you cannot stand the sight of your spouse, but it doesn’t mean you stop being committed to them. It’s like the guy who celebrated his 25^th wedding anniversary. He stood up in front of all his family and friends and said, “I would like to thank my wife for 15 great years of marriage!”

Committed couples understand strong marriages take work. Good marriages do not just happen. They must be worked on. It takes effort, time, and commitment. It doesn’t take a lot of commitment to build a shack, but it does take a lot of commitment to build a mansion. What kind of marriage do you want: a shack marriage or a mansion marriage? When a young couple enters into marriage, they are committing about 50 years to that individual. They should seriously think about it! It is important to think twice before entering a room with no exits.

Over the years I have performed many weddings, and every one of them had a “forever” atmosphere. The bride and groom have gone through premarital counseling, and they can’t wait to begin this journey together as husband and wife. For the wedding, they have brought in aunt Suzy who will sing a “forever” song. As the pastor, I will make comments about the permanence of marriage. Then the couple will exchange rings as a demonstration of their never-ending love for each other. The ceremony will end with their vows that include statements such as, “In sickness and in health, for better or worse, till death do us part.” Every couple is hoping and expecting their marriage to go the distance and last a lifetime.

However, the reality is that nearly half of all marriages will not make it, and of the ones that do make it, only a few of them will make it well. Many marriages survive, but it seems to me, and probably to you, that very few of them thrive. They end up as the “roommate” or the “rigor mortis” couple.

If you were to ask most couples how they would like their marriage to be described in their later years, they would want to be described as “that older couple who take walks in the park and hold hands, who sit beside each other, and still laugh together.” They want to be the couple that celebrates their fiftieth wedding anniversary and is an example of love, laughter, and long-term commitment. No couple can get there without dedication and perseverance. It is the one trait that all successful couples must have.

Committed couples eliminate the threat of divorce. For them divorce is not an option. If you allow the idea of divorce to make its home in the back of your mind, one day it will move to the front of your mind. At whatever point you think your marriage is inconvenient enough and/or bad enough, you will begin to seriously consider divorce. When times are tough and everything in your mind and heart is saying, “I’m not going to take this anymore!” you will leave. You will leave not with the commitment to work on your marriage from a distance, but you will leave.

If you want a great marriage, you have to lock the escape hatch, and throw away the key. You must take your vows seriously: “Til death do us part. I made a promise to my spouse and to God. I am going to keep it.”

When you make a commitment, it also means that you don’t use the threat of divorce when you are angry. When you are mad, you don’t hint that you are leaving, and you don’t use scare tactics/words. Those are off limits: hitting below the emotional belt. No matter how angry you are at that person, you do not bring up the issue of divorce because it’s not even an issue. That’s what commitment means.

Whether or not your marriage will work is about the size of your commitment, regardless of the size of your problem.

Too many couples are impatient with their marriages. They do not want to live “happily ever after.” They want to live “happily right now” or else! One young wife sitting in a marriage counselor’s office said, “When I got married I was looking for an ideal. I married an ordeal and I now want a new deal!” Many couples view selecting a mate in the same way as selecting a car: Buy what you want now, and when you are ready for a new one, you can trade it in for a newer model.

Some couples don’t understand the meaning of commitment. Norman Wright describes “commitment” when he writes, “The word ‘commitment’ is a verb and means, ‘to do or to perform.’ It is a binding pledge or promise. It is a private pledge you also make public. It is a pledge carried out to completion, running over any roadblocks. It is a total giving of oneself to another person. Yes, it is risky, but it makes life fulfilling.”[2] Whereas, courtship is a process of selecting the one you are going to commit yourself to, the marriage ceremony is a public act of that commitment. Each day you should renew your commitment to your spouse.

Committed couples endure the storms and tragedies of life together. Couples will face all kinds of problems, but commitment is what gets couples through them. I am wonderfully amazed at the faithfulness of couples who have stayed the course despite a wide array of problems, such as:

• Chronic illness
• Financial problems
• Runaway child
• Physical handicaps
• Death of a child
• Job loss and extended unemployment
• A spouse who doubts God
• Conflict with extended family
• Addictions (sexual, substance)
• Depression
• Infertility
• Miscarriage
• Blended families
• Countless other tragedies and difficulties

While unfortunate circumstances, poor choices, and even the devil himself could have driven these couples apart, they stayed together and followed God’s plan for their marriages. Sadly, we also know countless other couples whose marriages have crumbled under the same pressures.

Like most couples, you face pressures from life’s many inconvenient, tragic, or evil circumstances. Sometimes a variety of pressures pile up on you all at once. Sometimes tragedy hits with the sudden force of a wrecking ball. Other times the same nagging pressure can hover like a dark cloud over you for months or even years. It’s not a matter of if your marriage will face pressure, it’s just a question of when.

How can you make sure your marriage will weather the storms? What will prevent your relationship from crumbling under the weight of pain, problems, and tragedy?

If you want to divorce-proof your marriage against the storms and struggles of life, if you want a deeper bond and a richer friendship with your spouse, you need what Gary and Barbara Rosberg describe as persevering love. They describe it as “the kind of love that triumphs over the trials and grows stronger when you are most vulnerable.” [3] Persevering love doesn’t just hang on through calamity by its fingernails; it grabs on with a tight grip and refuses to let go. It’s the kind of love described by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:7: “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” Persevering love cements husbands and wives into lifelong friends.

Communication: You must talk with your spouse

A third principle to consider is communication. You must talk with your spouse. Every wise couple knows that “Reliable communication permits progress” (Proverbs 13:17, LB). For your marriage to develop, grow, and make progress, both of you have to make sure you are giving your spouse reliable information by saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Avoid the communication games. Don’t make your spouse guess what you are thinking or feeling. Don’t express something that is not true. If you are not angry, do not pretend you are. If you are not okay with something, don’t act as if you are. Don’t blame your spouse for not understanding how you feel when you have not given him or her dependable information.

Another truth wise couples know is “the tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 13:17, NIV). What you say to your spouse and how you say it has the power to either damage or build up your marriage. The way you talk or don’t talk to your spouse can create or drain the energy in your marriage. You need to become a good communicator with your spouse. Get rid of negative and sarcastic statements. Speak with compassion, humility, gentleness, and encouragement. Let what you say and how you say it bring life into your family and not death. Your words can bring energy into the home or take it away.

The Five Levels of Communication

There are five levels of communication that every couple should experience.[4] A balanced couple will enjoy each level.

The first level of communication is the friendly level. People do this kind of talking all day long. It is full of clichés about the weather, sports, clothes, and so forth – mostly just small talk we engage in to be courteous or to pass the time of day with someone. Sometimes we are interested in the subject and the person, but mostly we are just being polite.

The second level is the factual level. On this level we are simply reporting facts with no real personal involvement – almost like a television newscaster. The friendly level gets your feet into the ocean of communication while the factual level gets you waist deep. The first two levels are safe levels. They require very little thinking or listening skills. There is also no emotional exchange.

The third level is the fellowship level. Here we talk about our ideas, judgments, and philosophies. On this level of communication we begin to risk a little bit because someone may reject our ideas, judgments, or philosophies, and we may retreat as a result. This level also includes discussing individual opinions, concerns, and expectations, including personal goals, dreams, and desires. Now you’re finally getting into the depths, and your initial reaction, as when scuba diving, is most likely fear. Your oxygen is dissipating, and your ears are feeling the pressure. You are completely submerged in the ocean of communication; your head is beneath the waves.

Most people can learn to dive down ten feet, pick up a seashell or two, and then retreat to the surface. However, to reap the treasures in your relationships, you must learn to stay in the depths of communication. As in diving, you must have the skills to give you the confidence to stay at this level – and also to go deeper. Nobody in his right mind begins scuba diving without training, but couples all over the world begin relationships without even the slightest guidance, which is why they often remain at the shallowest levels of intimacy.

The fourth level is the feeling level. Not only do we talk about our ideas, judgments, and philosophies but we begin to open up and say how we really feel about these ideas and judgments. As a couple, you find yourself talking about your fears, worries, hopes, and joys. Many people go no further in their communication. At this level, you help each other feel safe to share your deepest emotions. You each know that you will both do your very best to listen and value what the other is sharing. Each of you can accept the other as unique and special: a creation with an individual history, personality, and family background.

The fifth level is the freedom level. This is the level we need to reach with our mates. Here we are completely open in sharing our dreams, fears, and ideas, and we feel completely free in doing so because we have no fear of rejection. This is the deepest level of love and marital satisfaction. You’ve been together long enough and you feel safe enough to share your deepest needs with one another.

Guidelines to Help in Communication

How can you, as a couple, experience the deeper levels of communication? Just as a scuba diver has to learn some skills before diving, couples must learn some basic communication skills before going to the deeper levels of intimacy. The following are some practical guidelines that will help you experience the wonderful world of deep communication with your spouse. I will use the acronym COMMUNICATE to introduce you to them.

Contact. Pay attention to your spouse. Learn to know when she needs you to hold her hand, give her a hug, or a gentle touch on the shoulder. Most couples consistently underestimate the power of touch. They undersell it, undervalue it, and under use it,  yet touch has the power to calm, reassure, transfer courage, and stabilize a situation spinning out of control. When you touch your mate lovingly, you push back the threatening shadows of bitterness, loneliness, and insecurity. A loving touch at the right time can immediately drain anger from a situation. A gentle touch says, “You are valuable to me.”

Open. Practice open communication. Be transparent. Don’t give your spouse the cold shoulder or the silent treatment. That will immediately send them back to the surface or into shallower waters of communication. They will be reluctant to come back down later, when you really need them to. When you withdraw or avoid your spouse, you create an even greater problem by causing them to feel ignored, cut off, or abandoned. Your partner will feel as if you are trying to punish them. This often escalates and places the relationship at a greater risk. It is true that a cooling-off period can help you gain perspective and help you get your emotions back under control, but it needs to be done in such a way that the other person doesn’t perceive it as withdrawal, isolation, or avoidance.

Merit. Even though your partner’s perceptions are different from yours, they can still have merit or value. You will never see everything exactly the same way because you come from different families and different ways of life. Different does not mean “wrong” or “bad”; it just means “different.” Sometimes you may have to agree to disagree. You may have to say, “Well, I guess we really see that different.” It’s all right not to agree. There is nothing wrong with your marriage if you don’t see eye to eye on everything. In fact, it would be unusual if you did. Good communication develops when you value and take the time to understand your differences. When you respect the perceptions of your spouse, you are saying, “Who you are and what you think is important to me.” Couples who value one another will grow through teaching and learning from each other. Those who do not value the other’s perceptions are saying, “You have nothing to teach me; my way is always right.” Poor communication is frequently the result of our trying to prove our “rightness.” Ask yourself if you would rather be right or be happy. Sometimes you cannot have both. If you are not interested in hearing your spouse’s point of view, you simply don’t value what he or she thinks and feels.

Model. Every spouse wants their spouse to listen better. One of the best ways to help your spouse do this is to become a better communicator yourself. Become the example of listening and communicating that you want your spouse to be. If you want him to not interrupt you, then don’t interrupt him. If you don’t want her to raise her voice, then you don’t raise your voice. Model for your spouse what you don’t want them to do when you are talking.

Undivided attention. Concentrate on what your spouse is saying. Pay attention. If you have to turn off the radio, mute the television, or go to another room, do so. In order to experience deeper levels of communication, you will have to give your spouse your complete attention. Do not interrupt them when they are talking. When you interrupt your spouse, it causes them to feel as if you don’t care, aren’t listening, or you only want to speak your mind. If you are prone to interrupting, you will need to work very diligently to repeat what your partner said before you share. You might need to be reminded that you will get a chance but must wait until the other person has finished sharing his or her thoughts and feelings.

Need. One of the basic needs of the heart is to be heard. Your spouse needs to talk to you, whether it’s about the weather, clothes, ideas, expectations, worries, fears, joys, or failures. Your spouse desires to communicate with you on all five levels. He/she wants to be heard and to be understood by you. The reason your spouse may raise his voice, talk more slowly, repeat things over and over, or speak more quickly is because he believes he is not being heard at a deeper level and is trying to communicate something important to you. Try your best to understand what he/she is saying: listen for what they really mean. Learn to listen between the lines.

Interact. Make sure you don’t dominate the conversation. Let your spouse share their thoughts, opinions, feelings, and concerns. Only your spouse can communicate what they are thinking and feeling. Don’t tell them what they should and should not be feeling. In the same way, be aware of your own thoughts and feelings, and be responsible for communicating those to your partner. No one can speak for you, except you! Use “I” messages: “I feel sad because,” “I think we need to take this approach because,” “I am really hurting right now,” “Let me tell you how I see this situation,” and “This is how I feel.” Communication gets cloudy when you begin to tell your spouse what he thinks and feels or how she should think and feel. Interact by making sure you are sharing your thoughts and feelings but allowing them to do the same.

Clarity. Don’t make your spouse guess what you mean. If you feel like you are having to guess what your spouse is thinking then ask questions for clarifications. Some examples are, “What did you mean when you said…?” “Can you give me an example of…?” or “Here’s what I heard you say; is this correct?” Be aware that listening  for clarity can be painful. It takes concentration, selflessness, and humility to be a great listener. But I am convinced, if you put forth the effort, it will be rewarded with a degree of intimacy that cannot be experienced without this type of communication. This skill will help you lead your relationship into levels four and five of communication.

Avoid. Stay away from negative words or phrases. Don’t call your spouse names or ask sarcastic questions. Couples usually digress to the use of demeaning words once they have become frustrated, hurt, or angry. Belittling and labeling words such as stupid, insensitive, selfish, moron, idiot, lazy, hard-headed, and stubborn are usually said to our partners to get back at them for hurting us. These words will cause the relationship to ascend to the shallower waters of communication and will seldom lead to getting back on track with the original problem.

Time. Take the time to talk. If you are too busy to enjoy each other’s company and discuss each other’s day and lives, then simply put, you are too busy. Eliminate some things. Don’t over commit yourself or your family. Spend less time watching television or less time on the computer. Find things you can do together that allows you opportunity to spend some uninterrupted time sharing your thoughts, plans, and heart.

Encouragement. Be the most encouraging and positive spouse you can be. Learn to talk to your spouse, even during an argument, with words that build up. Proverbs 16:21 says, “A mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is” (GN). You are never persuasive when you are abrasive. It takes maturity to talk with pleasant words when your feelings are not pleasant. Even at the end of a heated discussion where both of you took some major hits, where feelings were hurt and egos bruised, you need to conclude the conversation by encouraging your spouse by reaffirming three things. Reaffirm your commitment to the marriage by saying, “I want you to know that even though I feel angry, I am committed to you.” Reaffirm your love for your spouse by saying, “Even though we disagree, I love you.” Reaffirm your thankfulness for them by saying, “I know this won’t be our last argument, and we will disagree again, but I want you to know I’m thankful that you are in my life and that God gave me you.” It’s amazing how powerful and effective encouragement is in a relationship: “A word of encouragement does wonders” (Proverbs 12:25, LB).

Consideration: You must treat your spouse with respect

A fourth principle that will improve your marriage deals with consideration. You must treat your spouse with respect. God’s Word instructs both the husband and wife to show respect to each other: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect” (1 Peter 3:7, emphasis added) and “The wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33, emphasis added). Respect means to place a high value on someone or something. To give your spouse respect means you have decided to treat them as someone important in your life. To respect someone is to give them honor and see them with an eye of distinction. To honor someone is to give them preference over others by attaching high value to them. God wants you to respect your spouse and to place a high value on them.

Respect is a gift. I can already hear someone asking, “What? You want me to respect him – that creep who plays golf all day Saturday, watches sports on Sunday, ignores me in the evening, and at night snores like a buzz saw?” Or “You expect me to put her on an honor pedestal? She spends half her life watching television, typing on face book, and then nags me for not taking out the trash or helping with the children. Why should I honor her?” What your spouse does or does not do has nothing to do with you giving them respect. Respect is not earned, from your perspective. It is a gift you give. Sure, it would be easier if they were to try to earn your respect, but whether they do or not has no bearing on you giving it. Even if they don’t want your respect you are to give it. It’s not a matter of your mate’s deserving respect but of your own integrity. God commands you to generally honor everyone, including your spouse: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10, NIV).

Respect is a decision. It is the simple choice to place high value, worth, and importance on another person to view him or her as a priceless gift and grant that person a position in your life worthy of great respect. Respect is a gift we choose to give to others. It isn’t purchased by their actions or contingent upon our emotions. You are choosing to give them distinction whether or not they like it, want it, or deserve it. You give honor to your spouse merely because that person is alive and breathing, not because he or she has done something to deserve it. You just do it; it’s a decision you make. You will either choose to obey what God says about respecting your spouse or disobey (1 Peter 3:7; Ephesians 5:33). You will either trust God on this or not.

Respect is an action. Respect is a verb. It is something to be heard and seen. There’s a story about a husband who was known to be a man of few words. His wife longed for a little romantic conversation, but it never came. One evening when he was engrossed in his newspaper, she asked,” Steve, do you still love me?” He replied, “I said I did when we were at our wedding, didn’t I? If anything ever changes, I’ll let you know.” In the same way, Steve may respect his wife in his mind and heart. He may think positive thoughts about her and really like her, but until he communicates that respect through some kind of action, there will be no reward or benefit from the respect. His wife will simply go on wondering if her husband values or cherishes her.

One way to show respect is to become a student of your spouse. You can honor your mate by being attentive to his or her preferences. Do you know your husband’s favorite food? What is your wife’s favorite way to spend time with you? What does he love to do on vacation? What does she like to do to relax? Tragically, many couples cannot answer even the basic questions about their spouse’s tastes and interests. To help themselves with this, some couples have created their own instruction manual for each other. They write out each other’s favorite things: food, restaurant, activities, movies, etc. Those include things like their spouse’s hot buttons and pet peeves. Whether you write them down or not is not important, but you need to know them, so you can honor your spouse by cooking what he likes or by avoiding the things that irritate her. Make the honor fit the person. Make your mate feel like the most valued and important person on the face of the earth.

Another way to honor your spouse is to make a list of their positive qualities. Write them out. For some reason when you write things out, it makes them feel more real. Everyone has great qualities worth mentioning on paper. Consider your spouse’s personality traits, appearance, thinking patterns, gender difference, faith, values, character, parenting skills, concerns, opinions, work ethic, and life goals. Create the longest list you can by including every positive, precious, worthy, upbeat, godly, amazing, startling, and outstanding quality that you see. Personalize your list with real details you admire – not just her beauty, but the glow she has when she smiles. Not just his hard work, but how faithful he is to provide for the family and to take care of the house. Let your mate see your list and even exchange lists occasionally. That’s honor.

Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg give several suggestions on how to demonstrate honor in marriage from both the husband and wife perspective.[5]

For husbands, some of their suggestions were:

• Ask her how you can help her, or dive in and help without being asked. It sounds like this: “Where do you need more of my help?” In a word: “initiate!”

• Never humiliate her. If she does something embarrassing in front of others, don’t make it worse. Regardless of the details or even if she’s at fault, just don’t do it.

• Share with others how important she is to you. Keep pictures of her in your wallet and on your desk. Talk about her to your friends and coworkers. Let her overhear you bragging about her – it does wonders for the relationship!

• Support her in front of the children. Whether or not you agree with a decision she makes, back her up, then discuss your differences later in private. Tell the kids how much you love their mom and how much you appreciate all her gifts.

• Remember special dates! Obviously, her birthday and your anniversary are key. But you should also commemorate dates such as the anniversary of the death of a parent or another loved one. Send her a note and comfort her on those days.

• Never compare her to other women. This includes your mother, previous girlfriends, women friends, or coworkers. Don’t even compare her to other women in a positive way.

For the wives, some of their suggestions include:

• Say please and thank you.

• Lift a burden. Ask him, “If I could take something off your to-do list today, what could I do for you?”

• Allow him to be himself. Don’t assume that your husband is going to think, feel, or behave as you do or as “the ideal husband” does. He will make mistakes. Allow him that freedom.

• Appreciate his hard work. Thank him for working hard for you and your family. Let him know that you notice and admire his work.

• Compliment his efforts to be sensitive. If he makes special attempts to understand, listen, or comfort you, let him know how meaningful they are to you. Be specific about what you particularly like.

• Affirm your husband’s maleness by showing interest in his hobbies. If he participates in sports, be there to cheer him on.

To not show respect and consideration toward your spouse reveals the foolishness in your heart. God tells us, “The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” (James 3:17, NIV). One of the characteristics of a wise spouse and a marriage built on God’s wisdom is consideration. Wise couples are mindful of their spouse’s feelings. A mistake that many people make is thinking their spouse has to feel the same way about things as they do. They think their spouse should feel the same way about money, church, music, food, and hobbies as they do. They often subconsciously think, “If he is not as interested in this or  doesn’t see the value of this the way I do then there is something wrong with him.” You begin to think his feelings or thoughts are invalid, illogical, or irrational simply because they do not line up with yours. As a result you minimize your spouse’s feelings by saying disrespectful or inconsideration statements.

Compromise: You must learn to share your life

Another foundational truth deals with compromise. You must learn to share your life as a couple. You must learn to be teammates. Many couples approach decisions or difficulties as opponents rather than teammates. They jockey for position trying to outsmart and out argue each other. One trying to prove their point, while the other trying to prove theirs.

All couples have to make many decisions throughout their lives. Some issues are easy to make: what will be for dinner, the color of a wall, who handles the remote control, or what to watch on television. Others require more careful consideration because they involve weighty issues like career choices, where to live, which church to attend, when to have children, major investments, who pays the bills, whether to buy or rent, and how much debt to take on.

As you both face significant choices, it’s important to have a method of decision making that allows you to remain in harmony. Even more important, however, you need a system that will allow you to work effectively together as teammates. You don’t want a tug-of-war match against each other; you want to be pulling on the same side of the rope.

As Jesus explained, power struggles are destructive because “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall” (Luke 11:17, NIV). Any time a couple squares off against each other, the outcome is already assured. They become divided, and their unity melts away.

To combat disunity and act as a team, I strongly suggest you learn how to find win-win solutions. In marriage, there is no such thing as a win-lose because you are both on the same team. As a team, you either win together or you lose together. There is no other option. Understanding this truth can change your marriage. Although many couples believe they are on the same team, they often don’t act like it. So many times when attempting to make a decision, they abandon the team and become adversaries. When that happens and one team member loses, every member of that team loses.

I would suggest you develop a No-Losers Policy. Basically, this is the mind-set that says, members of a team win together or they lose together; therefore, in a marriage relationship, I can’t win unless my spouse also wins. This means that it is unacceptable for either one of you to walk away from any interaction feeling as if one of you has lost. You both need to feel good about whatever solution you dream up.

Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” Pay attention to the next statement of that verse, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also the interests of others” (NIV). There it is! God’s Word describes a win-win, in plain and simple language. When related to marriage this verse encourages you to look not only to your own interests (win) but also to the interest of your spouse (win). That means that to make the idea work in your relationship, you must come up with a different definition of winning. If winning is about getting your own way, then you’ll never be a successful team. The key is to redefine winning as “finding a solution that both of you feel good about.”

Dr. Greg Smalley and his wife Erin give seven ways to help create win-win solutions.[6] The first way is to reaffirm your No-Losers Policy. Remind each other that you are on the same team. This creates a positive environment that improves how you treat each other. Couples relax when they actively search for a solution that both people feel great about. Why? The worry simply dissipates and is replaced by feelings of safety because neither of you has to worry about protecting your own agenda. You no longer feel anxious that your feelings won’t be considered. Secondly, try to find the win nugget for each person. What does each need from this decision to sense a win? Third, seek the Lord’s opinion. Pray together about this. The best part about praying together as a couple is it instantly helps restore unity. Fourth, brainstorm possible solutions. Here is where you generate all possible solutions. The best advice here is to get creative and refrain from judging or critiquing the ideas generated. Both of you should be allowed to share your ideas freely.  Fifth, pick a solution. Evaluate the possible solutions and choose one that you both feel great about. If you feel you need more input then take some time, do research, and get advice. Sixth, try it out. In the end, it doesn’t matter who came up with the idea; the only important thing is that both of you consider it a win. Seventh, reexamine the solution. Sometimes, trying out a win-win solution, you will discover that your solution doesn’t feel quite like you thought it would. If the solution begins to feel like a loss to one of you, then your team is starting to lose. If this happens to you, don’t worry about it. Just repeat the seven steps and rework your solution. Remember, your goal is to make sure that your team stays on the successful side of things and that both people feel great about the solution.

You Make the First Step

After reading the above, you need to make a decision, not your spouse, but you. Somebody has to take the first step or maybe the first several steps. You can improve your marriage today by allowing God to improve you. Make a decision today to follow Christ more closely, to dedicate yourself to serving your spouse, to talk to and listen to your spouse’s heart, to consider ways to treat them with respect in order to help them feel valuable, to learn how to compromise and not always have to have your own way.

All these ideas are not going to happen overnight. God knows which one you need to focus on. Seek His face, and let Him show you and guide you to the one you and your marriage need the most right now.

[2] Wright, H. Norman. Now That You’re Engaged: The Keys to Building a Strong, Lasting Relationship. Regal Books; Ventura, CA. 2005, p8.

[3] Rosberg, Gary and Barbara. Divorce-Proof Your Marriage. Tyndale House Publishers; Wheaton, IL. 2002, p158.

[4] Gary Smalley describes the five levels of communication as the five levels of intimate communication: speaking in clinches, sharing facts, sharing opinions, sharing feelings, and sharing needs. For a greater explanation and understand the dynamics these levels can have on a relationship I would recommend his book, Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy.

[5] Roseberg, Dr. Gary and Barbara. Divorce-Proof Your Marriage: Six Secrets to a Forever Marriage; Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.; Wheaton, Illinois. 2002, pages 126-129.

[6] Smalley, Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley. Before You Plan Your Wedding, Plan Your Marriage. Howard Books Publishing, New York; 2008. Pages 209-219.

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Dr. Jeff Stott

The Definition of Baptism

Christian baptism is the immersion of a believer in water in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. It is an act of obedience symbolizing the believer’s faith in a crucified, buried, and risen Savior, the believer’s death to sin, the burial of the old life, and the resurrection to walk in newness of life in Christ. It is a testimony to the believer’s faith in the final resurrection.

The Method of Baptism

The Bible teaches that the proper mode of baptism is immersion. The word “baptize” literally means to dip, sink, submerge, immerse, or bury. The baptismal accounts in the New Testament show that immersion was the practice of both John the Baptist and the early church. When Jesus was baptized, He was baptized in the Jordan River, not on the banks, and the Scripture records that He came up out of the water (Mark 1:9-10). Again at the baptism of the Ethiopian eunuch “both Philip and the eunuch went down into the water and Philip baptized him” and “then they came up out of the water” (Acts 8:38).

Baptism has no part in salvation

Baptism has no part in the work of salvation, but it is a God-ordained and God-commanded accompaniment of salvation. Baptism does not save, but salvation is followed by baptism. Jesus said, “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned” (Mark 16:16). Some use this verse to support baptism as a part of salvation. However, Jesus made clear that it is disbelief that condemns, not the absence of baptism.

Six Reasons why Christians should be baptized

First, baptism is commanded by Jesus Christ. Jesus commanded His disciples in Matthew 28:19 by saying, “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.” Then again in Acts 10:48 Peter “ordered that they be baptized in the Name of Jesus Christ.” From these Scriptures it is evident that baptism is a command of the Lord to those who believe in Him.

Second, baptism is commended by our Lord’s example. Matthew 3:16-17 records the baptizing of Jesus in the Jordan River. He said He did it “to fulfill all righteousness.” He had no sins of His own, but He endorsed the ordinance of baptism as practiced by John the Baptist. For Him it was a must. Peter tells us that Christ left us an example, that we should follow in His steps (1 Peter 2:21). His footprints lead every believer into the water of baptism. It must bring great pleasure to the Lord Jesus Christ to watch His people as they are baptized in His name.

Third, baptism was a common practice of the early church. Regarding the early church, God’s Word says , “Those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day” (Acts 2:41). The first Christians baptized on a regular basis as people were being saved. It was a common practice. Other verses to consider are Acts 8:35-38; 9:18; 10:43-48; 16:14-15, 30-34; and 18:8.

Fourth, baptism is the believer’s public confession of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Baptism is the visible, outward expression of your inward decision for Christ. It identifies you as a follower of Jesus Christ in a very definite way. It is a sign of your commitment and discipleship. When people saw Christians being baptized in the days of the New Testament, there was no doubt in their minds as to why they were doing this or to whom they owed their allegiance.

For this reason baptism can be particularly helpful to young Christians brought up in non-Christian homes where perhaps their decision for Christ is hardly known. Their baptism will be their act of confession in which they make a definite stand for Christ. But whatever their background, their baptism will prove to be a source of strength and courage in their desire to follow Christ and witness for Him in this way.

Fifth, baptism is a challenge to live a godly life. When a believer is baptized he or she is not just simply doing another religious ritual or ceremony. He is testifying to Romans 6:3-4 which states that “all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death. We were therefore buried with Him through baptism in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” It is a testimony that the believer will “not offer the parts of [his] body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer [himself] to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of [his] body to Him as instruments of righteousness” (Romans 6:13).

The baptism of the believer is symbolic in that it shows the death of the old life and the birth of the new. It symbolizes the washing away and the burying of sin and rising to walk in newness of life, cleansed by the blood of Jesus. It proclaims that “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Sixth, baptism identifies believers as a part of the community of Christ. Baptism symbolizes one of the purposes of the church: fellowship (which is identification with the body of Christ). Christians are called to belong, not just believe. They are not meant to live Lone-Ranger lives; instead, they are to belong to Christ’s family and be members of His body. Baptism is not only a symbol of salvation, it is a symbol of fellowship. It not only symbolizes a person’s new life in Christ, it demonstrates a personal incorporation into the body of Christ. It says to the world, “This person is now one of them!” When new believers are baptized, they are welcomed into the fellowship of believers. They are not alone – they have the body of Christ for support. Ephesians 2:19 says, “You are members of God’s very own family… and you belong in God’s household with every other Christian” (LB).

When considering the six reasons why a believer should be baptized, it is clear that when a Christian is baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit they are being identified with everything that God is, has and represents. The believer is publicly identified as a child of God.

Who is to be baptized?

Who is the proper subject for baptism? All 12 year-old children? All people who have reached the age of 18? All adults that are 25? All people who have been brought up in Christian homes? All infants? According to the Bible, the proper candidate for baptism is someone who has repented of their sin and placed their faith in Jesus Christ. Peter exhorted the people at Pentecost to “repent… and be baptized” (Acts 2:38). Throughout the New Testament, baptism and repentance are linked together.

Repentance means to have a heartfelt sorrow for sin, a renouncing of it, and a sincere commitment to forsake it and walk in obedience to Christ. Repentance involves a 180-degree turn, an about face. No longer a slave to sin, the person turns to Christ in repentance. Since baptism follows repentance, the person must be able to repent of their his or her sin.

Closely linked to repentance is faith or belief. The proper candidates for baptism have not simply repented of sin but have put their faith in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord. Baptism is for believers in Christ. The Ethiopian Eunuch asked Philip, “What hinders me from being baptized?” (Acts 8:36). Phillip replied, “If you believe… you may.” Belief proceeds baptism.

Therefore, all who want to be baptized should acknowledge their repentance of sin and their faith in Christ. Anyone who does this is a candidate for baptism.

What about infant Baptism?

Since the Bible teaches that baptism is for those who have repented and believed in Christ, infant baptism is not a legitimate baptism. An infant cannot repent or believe; therefore, all believers should practice what is commonly known as the “believer’s baptism.” Only those who can and have repented and turned to Christ in faith should be baptized.

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